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Is it ever a good suggestion to remain associates with an ex?
Final month, Life Equipment requested our viewers this query as a part of a narrative and podcast episode on the subject. Should you share youngsters or pets, it would make sense, say our relationship specialists. However steer clear in case you had been in an abusive relationship or nonetheless have emotions for the opposite particular person.
Dozens of listeners wrote to us with their ideas on the topic. Their tales illustrate the wide selection of potentialities that may come when a romance ends. Some stated their ex was their finest pal. Some stated they needed to keep cordial for sensible functions. Others stated they realized … they did not need to be associates in any respect!
These responses have been edited for size and readability.
‘We nonetheless dwell collectively’
My ex and I aren’t solely good associates, however we nonetheless dwell collectively underneath the identical roof and co-parent our 13-year-old son.
Once we obtained divorced in 2015, we determined to remain in the identical home collectively. Housing is pricey in California. We would every take an enormous monetary hit if we needed to promote our house and discover our personal locations to dwell.
We additionally did not need to cut up time with our son, who was 5 years previous on the time. With this association, we might co-parent extra successfully and see our son day by day. We labored out a custody settlement that clearly outlined when every of us can be answerable for our son and his care. Now, virtually 9 years later, my ex and I are very shut. However no, we’re not getting again collectively.
Sure, relationship has been arduous. Who desires to this point a person who nonetheless lives together with his ex? However the execs far outweigh the cons. –Brian Gonzales
‘My ex-wife is my finest pal’
I’ve been divorced from my ex-wife for 22 years. We’ve got two kids, a son and daughter who are actually grown and dwell shut by.
For a very long time after the divorce, I used to be damage, offended and misplaced. However after trying again on hurtful issues I stated and did, I higher understood her perspective. I wanted to mature extra.
Very slowly, we started to depend on one another for assist. She developed well being points and went on incapacity. At the moment, my ex-wife is my finest pal. We advise one another on many sides of life, from coping with siblings to house restore. We have fun household occasions along with our children and their important others. We are actually very proud grandparents of 1 precocious 2 yr previous, the enjoyment of our lives.
It feels good to not be wrought with bitterness and anger over a failed marriage. –Todd Scheler
‘I would like little contact with my ex’
My (now) ex-wife and I divorced this January. We had been collectively for 34 years and raised two sons, who are actually 33 and 28.
For the sake of our kids and to honor our years collectively, we each intend to take care of an amicable relationship. However I’m not certain what the form of that relationship will appear to be going ahead.
In the intervening time, I would like as little contact with my ex as attainable. I would like the psychological house to find who I’m in 2024 as a not too long ago divorced 67 yr previous. And I need to enable the emotions and ideas in regards to the dissolution of our household and divorce to settle. –Invoice Cooper
‘I want he had been a tiny bit depressing’
Six months in the past, my husband of 8 years and companion of 21 years divorced me. He stated he nonetheless wished me in his life, however as a pal.
We’re in common contact and meet up a pair occasions every week. However I will be trustworthy: it has been troublesome seeing him simply decide up and transfer on whereas I’m nonetheless coming to phrases with every part. I would like him to be comfortable, however on the identical time I want he had been a tiny bit depressing.
The truth that we’ve a fairly small circle of associates would not assist. Once I see him with a mutual pal, they focus on individuals of their lives, lives which appear to incorporate me much less and fewer. It leaves me feeling like a 3rd wheel. –David Lantrip
P.S. Be certain that your readers know I am fairly a catch. And clearly single.
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‘He believed we’d proceed to be finest associates’
When my 15-year relationship was ending, my companion — who was within the midst of creating himself my ex — stated he firmly believed we’d proceed to be finest associates.
Swiftly, I blurted out, “however I’m not associates with individuals of your caliber.”
It’s fascinating to appreciate that the one who you entered the connection with can change into somebody you wouldn’t select to know now. This helped me stand within the current second, understanding one factor with certainty. —Maya Drozdz
‘It created one thing stunning’
My ex and I weren’t proper for one another romantically and had a foul breakup filled with distrust, jealousy and bitter moments.
Nonetheless, I wished to change into associates once more. We each are queer and felt quite a lot of strain to change into associates for the sake of our pal group. So I made a decision to forgive my ex for every part that went improper. It backfired so unhealthy that we didn’t speak for years after.
It was throughout COVID that we reconnected. We had been dwelling in the identical metropolis. I had gotten married to a different lady. My ex and my spouse met for the primary time shortly after.
We had lengthy talks about how we could possibly be higher associates and have a significant relationship. My spouse, my ex and I dance collectively and have adventures collectively. Once I was pregnant, my ex was my assist particular person. My ex is now a part of my chosen household.
This didn’t occur in a single day. Time gave us the house to heal from our wounds and have many conversations about how we need to transfer ahead collectively. It created one thing much more unexpectedly stunning. –LaKecia Farmer
Thanks to everybody who took the time to e mail Life Equipment along with your submission. Join our weekly publication to participate in reader-generated tales like this one.
This story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visible editor is Beck Harlan. We would love to listen to from you. Go away us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or e mail us at LifeKit@npr.org.
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