Amid current political shifts and a charged cultural local weather, many ladies in America are grappling with uncertainty about their place in society. This sense of unease has fueled curiosity in South Korea’s 4B motion—a daring stance advocating for no intercourse, no relationship, no marriage, and no youngsters with males. As a collective response, the 4B motion is a strong problem to entrenched programs, demanding accountability from males and policymakers alike.
As a therapist, I’d encourage you to contemplate if this motion can supply one thing much more profound: an invite to pause and mirror. Reasonably than adopting a prescribed algorithm, think about this a chance for private inquiry. What do you really want? The place do your boundaries start and finish? Which selections convey a way of that means, pleasure, or liberation to your life? By shifting the main focus inward, the “4 No’s” evolve from a manifesto right into a pathway for self-discovery and autonomy. This isn’t about rejecting males—it’s about reclaiming your self.
What does this seem like on a private stage?
Are you able to embrace one, two, and even three of those “No’s”? Sure, in fact you’ll be able to. Take a second of quiet reflection and ask your self: Would I wish to step away from sure dynamics or actions with males? If that’s the case, what drives that want—or resistance?
I usually ask my shoppers to discover the motivations behind their selections. Now, I invite you to do the identical. If you happen to really feel drawn to pause or abstain from specific engagements with males, think about the deeper “why.” An inner motivation—one rooted in self-discovery relatively than exterior validation—is way extra prone to information you towards significant change. Image somebody saying: “I’m selecting the 4B strategy for now, to reconnect with myself, to consciously shift my focus away from males, and to prioritize a ardour I’ve lengthy sidelined in relationships.” This determination is deliberate, grounded, and fully inside their management. It’s not about deprivation; it’s about intention. And it opens the door to progress, curiosity, and chance.
Alternatively, if the motivation is exterior—“If I withhold intercourse, my associate (or males) will behave higher,” or “I would like my associate (or males) to lastly perceive how I really feel”—we could also be on shaky floor. Counting on others to reply or react in the best way we want is unpredictable at greatest. We have now little management over what one other individual will suppose, really feel, or study from our selections. True empowerment usually begins by wanting inward, defining our personal wants, and setting a course for private success that doesn’t hinge on anybody else’s understanding or validation. Let’s discover some issues for every of the “No’s.”
No Intercourse
In my observe, I’ve heard extra tales of undesirable advances, inappropriate feedback, and assaults than I can depend. I additionally often hear real-life accounts of the “orgasm hole”—a stark disparity in sexual satisfaction, usually at girls’s expense. This hole refers back to the distinction in orgasm frequency between women and men, and it’s not obscure why many ladies are reevaluating and even abstaining from intercourse with males. For some, they might have but to completely perceive their very own our bodies or the way to obtain pleasure on their very own phrases. Others carry cultural narratives about intercourse that place it as an act oriented round male pleasure. I can’t inform you what number of occasions I’ve heard shoppers ask, “Isn’t intercourse over when he’s completed?”
For some girls, a time of exploration—whether or not by way of masturbation, watching erotic movies, partaking with girls, or attending stay performances—can turn out to be an area to study what they honestly want. For others, a interval of celibacy could also be a helpful path to regain company over their sexuality. No matter type this self-exploration takes, it’s important to step again and ask, “What position does intercourse play in my life? How do I would like my relationship with intercourse to really feel shifting ahead?”
This course of could result in boundaries round intercourse that actually honor your wants—maybe deciding to attend till the seventh, tenth, and even thirtieth date, or holding off till after marriage. Or maybe it’s exploring sexual compatibility very early on. Possibly it’s reestablishing intimacy together with your present associate in new, artistic, and related methods. No matter you select, let it’s a selection rooted in your values and wishes, not a response to the wishes of others. That is what it means to assert your personal empowerment.
No Courting and No Marriage (Courting and marriage are explorations of a partnership on a continuum and for that motive we’ll handle them collectively. )
In my observe, single girls often inform me they’re content material with their lives, and if a person is to affix, he should improve it in a significant method. A impartial presence merely gained’t suffice, and anybody who detracts from their well-being is out of the query. More and more, girls discover it difficult to fulfill extraordinary males, main many to decide on remaining single because the extra rewarding possibility.
By delaying or abstaining from severe relationships, girls have a singular window to be totally attuned to their wishes, with no strain to contemplate the needs, wants, or emotions of others. A solo interval can permit a lady to delve into the core of who they’re and envision a life formed solely by their very own values, aspirations, and passions. It’s a interval of freedom and self-affirmation, a option to domesticate the self earlier than turning into concerned with others.
As girls age, they’ve usually had the expertise of great partnerships or marriage they usually could select to pause or abstain from new relationships for quite a few causes. Their life expertise has given them a clearer sense of what they honestly need in a associate, but post-partnership, staying single usually turns into a strong interval of therapeutic and self-discovery. Free from relational calls for, they’re embracing new hobbies and pursuits—dance, tennis, ceramics, or self-defense courses. With out a associate, they discover themselves with extra time and area to discover deeply fulfilling pursuits.
Midlife and past (earlier if you’re fortunate!) monetary stability and social connections usually reinforce a lady’s independence. The concept of a male associate turns into a consideration provided that he provides distinctive worth. This solo area is, for a lot of, a chance to nurture fulfilling friendships, household bonds, and roles like auntie or godmother, making a wealthy life anchored in relationships that actually matter.
No Kids with Males
Ladies’s want to have youngsters is commonly closely rooted in tradition, whether or not that’s household tradition or the pressures of the bigger society by which they reside. When embracing this “No” girls could also be rejecting the position of mom with a view to distance themselves from the disrespect that they understand males have for the position. In patriarchal societies, equivalent to South Korea the place the 4B motion got here to be, girls’s roles are clearly outlined and never in probably the most nice of the way—subservience, home labor and exclusion from energy are among the widespread expectations. In the US, this expertise is extra delicate, and although a few of these expectations exist, girls have decidedly extra freedom as of this writing.
Selecting to delay and even forgo motherhood within the U.S. can open the door to uninterrupted skilled progress, offering a singular benefit in a workforce nonetheless largely formed round male profession trajectories. The time and area freed up by not having youngsters permits girls to prioritize superior schooling, profession growth, and private ambitions—paths that may be difficult to pursue whereas managing the calls for of household life.
In essence, this selection means you might be your precedence—not your youngsters, not your associate, simply you. For a lot of girls, this isn’t solely a route to success but in addition a profound act of self-investment and company.
I have already got a associate and youngsters. How do I take part?
Many ladies ask me, “How can I stand in solidarity whereas dwelling a life that already features a associate and youngsters?” Their query displays a deep want—to attach with different girls, to honor their very own progress, and to discover new potentialities with out unraveling the lives they’ve constructed.
The reality is, solidarity doesn’t need to imply beginning over. It may imply carving out area for your self throughout the life you have already got. Ask your self: What do I must really feel extra related to my very own aspirations? How can I domesticate a way of belonging with different girls, whereas nurturing my private evolution?
When you’ve a male associate or youngsters at residence, your participation on this motion could look markedly completely different. Chances are you’ll not have the area or want to finish a partnership or essentially alter the way you take part as a mum or dad, however you is probably not fully pleased with the best way dynamics at present play out in your house. At its core, the 4B motion is about setting boundaries.
For ladies with male companions or youngsters, collaborating on this motion will probably begin by defining and asserting these boundaries inside their present relationships. Is your intercourse life mutually satisfying? Do you evenly break up youngster and residential tasks? How concerning the easy act of claiming time for your self. Or recalibrating the emotional labor of your relationship or the psychological load of your property. It’s not about rejecting what you’ve created—it’s about increasing inside it, discovering room for the you that’s nonetheless unfolding.
How do I maximize my private progress?
The 4B motion is about reclaiming company—decentering males from one’s life, not out of rejection, however as an empowering option to domesticate autonomy, success, and self-determination.
As you discover which “No’s” serve you, and which don’t, I’d encourage you to discover timelines—how lengthy may you embrace your “No”? After a significant breakup, for instance, it would really feel proper to abstain from relationship, intercourse, or relationships for a full 12 months. Or maybe a number of months is sufficient to rediscover your self. Maybe you’ve been single for some time and also you wish to keep in that area with extra intention. No matter your circumstance, the proper timeline for you is deeply private.
Think about using some tenants of the SMART framework—Particular, Measurable, Achievable, Lifelike, and Well timed—to information your strategy. Choose one, two, or extra “No’s” that actually converse to you. Outline what every means to you and the way it will serve you, maintaining it each intentional and lifelike. Then, set a timeline that feels proper—understanding you’ll be able to regulate it as you go. In probably the most optimistic iteration, your engagement with the 4B motion will can help you create area, honor your wants and reclaim your narrative by yourself phrases. Honor your self and channel your rage into creating your most fulfilling life.
Please keep in mind to honor your feminine buddies in no matter selections they make—whether or not it’s embracing all 4 “No’s,” only one, or none in any respect. Supporting one another is important and no matter our differing paths, let’s not activate each other. Standing collectively—in help, in connection, in love—is probably the most highly effective factor we are able to do.
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